Teens & Discipline

Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT

Disciplining children and teens is considered by many to be the most difficult part of parenting. Learn tips that support parents in this process.

Most parents dread disciplining their children, especially teenagers. We want our children to be successful, happy and confident. Seeing our children unhappy or disappointed is hard for most parents. Being the source of a child’s disappointment, anger or sadness by enforcing consequences can be tough for anyone. Child specialists frequently observe that disciplining a child is more difficult on the parent than the child.

Disciplining teenagers adds a complex new dimension to the task of parenting. Adolescents are transitioning into adulthood and exploring their own values, independent ideas, and social lives. While we need to encourage the development of a teen's unique talents and individuality, we must also present guidelines to continue to safeguard their well-being. Reasonable, clear rules and expectations must be established by parents to encourage safety, healthy social engagements, and good decision-making.

It is developmentally appropriate and entirely normal for teens to pursue independence and they desire separation from their parents. The transition into adulthood involves pushing limits, challenging the rules and even thrill-seeking behavior. Choices made by teens can lead to heated conflicts between parents and children; especially when a consequence must be enforced.

Below are tips that can support parents when disciplining a teenager.

1) Accept that discipline is part of your job description as a parent.

Discipline is your role and responsibility. It is not your spouses, the teachers or an older sibling’s duty. Whether you are single or married, disciplining your child is frequently uncomfortable and even painful.

2) Following through on a consequence generally results in removing a privilege.

Facing consequences is an essential part of learning about real life. When social, legal, or family rules are broken, there are consequences for each of us. Not enforcing consequences can lead to unrealistic life expectations and set your child up for social, academic or occupational failure as an adult.

3) Clarify Expectations: Define Privileges, Rules and Consequences

Parents must clearly define and discuss their expectations early in a child's life. Parents are encouraged to sit down and write out a teenager's privileges, rules, and consequences on paper-place it on the refrigerator. Teen surveys reveal that a major frustration is not knowing what the rules are or what their parents expect from them.

Expectations and rules are best put in writing: review and sign the list with your teen as a proactive step in preventing arguments about discipline. Signing the list together also keeps both parents and children accountable: when rules are broken, the guideline can be used as a reference. Adding a consequence for argumentative or rude comments made about the consequences will encourage teens to accept consequences more gracefully.

4) Explain what a privilege is and the consequences that are related to each privilege.

In a youth driven society, privileges can easily be seen as expectations. Privileges include using a cell phone, watching television, going to the movies, or making plans with friends. Examples of rules and expectations might include speaking respectfully, participating in housework, and doing homework. Consequences can include losing phone privileges or limiting social activities. Be clear about what consequence will occur if a rule is broken.

5) Keep consequences short and simple.

Consequences that are too lengthy in time or excessively harsh sets up discipline for failure. Half or full day consequences tend to be more effective than a week or month. Major offenses might include the weekend or more than one lost privilege. Emotional teens imagining a week or month sets everyone up for additional conflict and acting out. Consequences that are too lengthy in time leave teenagers with little motivation to cooperate or remain respectful during the punishment. Short time intervals for consequences allows teenagers the opportunity to demonstrate positive and cooperative behavior.

6) Have a sense of humor when disciplining.

Laugh a little and try humor when talking to your teen about consequences. Laughing at ourselves or circumstances can break tension or animosity. Humor can ease the difficulty in executing a consequence. Share a funny story of a consequence you had as a teen.

7) Wait to discipline until emotions and the situation is diffused.

Scolding or demeaning words when disciplining will be met with resentment. While teens are good at acting aloof or respond nonchalantly, remember that they are at a vulnerable age and insecure state of development. Remain calm and firm when disciplining. The result will be less push-back and less regret as a parent about harsh words spoken. Speak about the behavior, not your teenagers character. Your child still needs your reassurance that they are loved regardless of mistakes or being imperfect. Healthy disciplinary strategies can bring you closer to your child.

8) Keep your teenager’s business private.

Do not talk negatively about a teenager in front of the teen or to persons who will share what was discussed. No one likes being talked about, especially during challenging moments. Seek support selectively when you are certain your child is not around and that the information will be kept private. Sharing with your child's siblings, family friends or talking within listening distance will push your teen further away. Adolescence is a time when acceptance and the need to fit in is magnified. Bringing more attention to your teen, especially when things go wrong can lead to deep barriers in communication.

9) Be a parent, not a friend.

It can feel devastating to lose a once close connection you had when your child reaches adolescence. Parents can expect to feel shut out of a teen’s life for a short period of time. Do not allow this distance to impact good decisions about discipline. Your child will outgrow the highly emotional stage of adolescence. Keeping your child safe is a primary responsibility as a parent throughout adolescence: this often involves uncomfortable moments during discipline. Thank you’s for tough love will come later in life. No one thanks their parents for trying to be their friend as a teenager.

10) Be a good role model.

The most ineffective parenting style is having high expectations of a child while the parent does not model the behavior they want from their children. The life you live is the lesson you teach. A parent who swears at family members can expect their teenager to swear. Parents that do not keep their word can expect their teen to do the same. Teen behaviors often reflect a behavior you don’t like about yourself. Make appropriate changes to your own behavior as necessary and admit to your own character defects. Acknowledging our imperfections and apologizing gracefully models humility and valuing self-improvement.

Post Disciplinary Activity:

Expect that your teen may be angry, lash out or avoid you after receiving a consequence.

Following incidents of discipline, allow your teenager to have time for self- reflection and to talk it over when they are ready. Encourage them to discuss what is comfortable and be a supportive listener. Practice listening and asking questions without judgement or stating your opinion. Teens need safe places to speak openly: create an environment that will keep the communication lines open.

Stay hopeful and engaged in your relationship with your teenager in spite of how hard it can feel. Adolescence is a developmental stage in your child’s life. While the teen years can feel relentless and exhausting, remember, "this too shall pass”. Your teenager is developing their sense of self, confidence, and learning about independent decision making. Remain supportive and have empathy for your teen in the vulnerable years of adolescence. Children need consistent love and support no matter what age they are. Tough love is called tough love for a reason.

Tough love is hard, discipline is hard.

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Chronic Stress and Anxiety

By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT • March 21, 2021

Anxiety is often the underlying cause of physical symptoms mistaken for other health conditions. We frequently believe we have a serious medical condition long before we recognize we have anxiety, or even consider an anxiety disorder. It is not uncommon for clients, specifically adults, to deny having anxiety but readily admit to worrying constantly. A recent study from the National Institute of Mental Health revealed that nearly 70% of Americans suffer from at least one type of anxiety disorder. This report should be of no surprise: we live in a culture where chronic stress is an accepted part of daily life. At early ages, we are indoctrinated with suggestive messages that busy is healthy, we must perform faster, accomplish more, and demonstrate success by perfection-based ideology. Having been conditioned to believe that more is better, we frequently add too many things to our plates. We have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no. Many believe they thrive when busy and even express a sense of pride when discussing a relentless schedule. The inevitable outcome of a life packed full with every minute accounted for, is overwhelm, burnout, and chronic anxiety. In my experience, clients easily express a desire to feel less overwhelmed and have more leisure time. However, when asked to let go of unnecessary commitments, there is resistance. Inevitably, after living with chronic stress for long periods of time, the norm may be feeling anxious. A change that creates open time and space, can create a " time void " that is uncomfortable. In fact, letting go of anxiety or stressors can actually be anxiety- provoking. To combat chronic anxiety, clients must commit to reducing stress, as opposed to “managing stress”. Stress in life is unavoidable and it is true that some individuals have less stressful lives due to advantageous personal circumstances. Regardless, of our circumstances, it remains common to accept unmanageable workloads, entertain stressful relationships and continue adding activities to full schedules. For change to occur, we must let go of habits that leave us mentally and physically depleted. You can choose to fill the "time void" with self-care which may include rest. Americans have learned to accept chronic anxiety as a way of life, even knowing of the negative implications on our health and relationships. Health experts have concluded that chronic stress reduces our life span by an average of 6 years. The goal in my office is stress reduction. If your life feels overwhelming and unmanageable, you must make choices to change it. Trying to manage the unmanageable is a losing battle. Pay attention to how often you hear or use the term stress management. Identify activities you don't need to do such as attending a social function where you know few people or cleaning an already tidy house. Learn to put your health first by prioritizing time for rest and recharging. The elimination of unnecessary stressors and reduction of chronic anxiety will increase your lifespan and improve the quality of your life. The number of stressors you have is generally a choice. How you respond to stressful events is also a choice. Learn how to eliminate stress and reduce anxiety. You can respond to life in ways that create opportunities for living the life you want.

Benefits of Journaling

By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT • March 20, 2021

Benefits of Journaling Journaling has regained popularity in recent years in mental health. It has once again become a tool for a variety of mental health conditions including anxiety, depression and reducing stress. Whether you are in therapy or on a path of self-discovery, writing your thoughts and experience is is valuable. Research has proven that strategic, committed journaling can actually change the way one thinks, feels and behaves. Studies reveal that individuals who commit to 30 days of writing daily in a gratitude journal, report significant improvement in their positive outlook on life. An additional benefit is that success in journaling is not impacted by financial circumstances, education, age, or writing skills. Journaling only requires a desire and commitment to the process. While there are technically no wrong or right ways to journal, there are strategies to help get you motivated to begin. Ask yourself about the value you see in journaling and if you can to commit to the process. Discuss lack of motivation or resistance with your therapist or someone who successfully journals. Try following general guidelines to help get you started or research journaling prompts. Tips for Journaling: Buy or find a journal you’d like to use. Keep it in a secure but accessible place. Commit to writing every day for 30 days. Keep going if you enjoy it! Set a consistent time aside each day for journaling. It doesn’t need to take 1 hour; start with a 5-minute commitment. Once you begin writing, keep your momentum going. Write anything that comes to mind… Write honestly. While journaling is a creative form of writing, in order to gain self-awareness, it is not intended to be fictional. Accept that journaling is not about using correct grammar or perfect writing skills. Allow yourself to be spontaneous. Be confident that no one is going to read your journal. (If you believe there are boundary issues in your home, learn how to set boundaries. Keep your journal at work or in a locker at school if you must.) If you feel blocked in writing, use prompts from journaling books or websites. Try gratitude journaling, or focus on journaling about something of interest to you. (i.e. parenting, relationships, childhood memories). Do not critique or judge your own writing. The key is honesty and spontaneity. Make sure you are not censoring your writing. Ask yourself if you are writing what you think should do or feel or if it is what you really feel, what really happened or what you wish happened? Look forward to the self-discovery in your writing. Even facing hard truths leads to a more peaceful way of living. Do not be stingy with yourself about journals if possible. Buy a cover you enjoy and replace journals frequently. When you are ready to start a new journal, do it. Some people ceremoniously burn or destroy journals when complete. Develop your own traditions with journaling. Have fun with it and enjoy the process. Just get started. The longer you journal, the sooner you will develop a routine and style that works for you. Allow yourself to discover your truth through journaling. It is an excellent tool in the process of self-awareness and change. Self-awareness can help you understand your emotions and behaviors and can create opportunities for change. Journaling is easy, inexpensive, and well worth the effort. Today is a great day to begin journaling.

Forgiveness

By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT • March 19, 2021

Relationships suffer with unresolved conflict. Even strong relationships become vulnerable when problems occur and no resolution is in sight. Unresolved conflict that becomes circular, hostile and resentful can chip away at the foundation of any relationship. Learning the art of apologizing and forgiveness is critical in relationships. We all have days when we are not our best self and we make mistakes or poor choices. "To error is to be human". When our words, decisions, or mistakes hurt others, intentionally or not, we must learn to apologize. Resolving conflict with grace brings us closer together: unresolved conflict can break down any relationship. Apologizing can be difficult; it is natural to feel justified in action or not want to accept responsibility for mistakes. Barriers to apologizing include disagreement about the problem, or the fear of admitting we are wrong. Feeling vulnerable when we apologize is common. It is most important to understand that we can increase intimacy and strengthen our relationships by learning to apologize. Apologizing can be this simple: 1) State with sincerity that you are sorry 2) Identify what you can do better 3) State your intention to respond differently in the future. 4) Be willing to listen to feedback without defending your actions. 5) Accept that forgiveness may take a little time. Forgiveness is Underrated While apologizing can be hard, forgiving others when we feel wronged can be even more difficult. Once you have received a sincere apology, it is a choice how to proceed. Forgive the offense or harbor resentment? Choose to trust the sincerity or make exit plans? Holding onto resentments or past events will eventually lead to the unraveling of relationships. Practice forgiving even when it is difficult. Forgiving can leave us feeling vulnerable: we are fearful that we may be hurt again. Learn the skills to apologize and the skills to forgive. Forgiveness of others is a true statement of love. In forgiveness we are saying, I love and value you even though we are both imperfect. When we forgive others, we are able to free ourselves of anger and negativity that hurts us. We are also able to reopen the door to communication and intimacy in our important relationships. “Forgiveness is the truest form of love. It takes a strong person to apologize and even a stronger person to forgive." Today is a great day to learn how to apologize and how to forgive.