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Relational Maintenance? Marriages can End like a Texas Snowstorm

Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT

Healthy relationships require maintenance. Built-to-last marriages are made by choice and action.

The 2021 winter storm in Texas that wreaked havoc on millions with irreparable damage, broken homes and lives, and occurred amidst a pandemic reminds me of the predictable crises in marriages related to neglecting to invest in our relationships. Marriages unravel with warning signs, data and recommendations to invest, repair, or prepare. Unfortunately, relationships are often broken beyond repair before there is acknowledgement of a problem. As with most national disasters, there is finger-pointing at who is responsible, who is to blame, why did this happen? We must ask why there was no backup plan, preventive measures, or proper insulation.

Perhaps it is human nature to stay committed to effortless daily routines, placate problems or place energy in more instantly gratifying activities: the result, we continue to fail to protect the relationships we value most.
Long term relationships fail without effort and maintenance.
Even with warning signs, deteriorating outdated systems, and suggested recommendations, people tend to prefer to do the minimum, procrastinate, ignore indicators that a marriage is failing or requires maintenance. 

Americans invest in the pursuit of love and happiness almost as if it relates to how one measures success in life. Lavish weddings, expensive courtships, and careful selection goes into choosing a partner. Yet, once in a long-term relationship, the effort and investment too often dissipate. More remarkable is that as relational challenges emerge, there is often an unapologetic refusal of couples to re-invest time, effort or money to maintain a healthy relationship. This opposition can end catastrophically when the pipes literally burst or the roof caves in. 
What is the reasoning? Aside from neglect, there is always plenty of blame to go around. It was ‘the move, stress of parenting, the in-laws, money troubles, or lack of commonality’. “She was not intimate, he has anger issues, or addictions to social media” are among reasons given. By the time a severe storm hits, the bag of resentments is already full. Intimacy, respect, and mutual positive regard has already been out the door for a while. 

Back to Texas. There were recommendations. There was time to prepare and invest. Like many marriages, there wasn’t was a willingness to invest time, money and effort in what was foreseen as a predictable disaster.
Divorce is frequently the result of denial of warning signs and unwillingness to commit time, effort, and money 
in protecting our most valuable relationship.
Last year I wrote a blog on Barriers to Success in Marriage Counseling. I believe the article was perceived as negative. No one wants to hear divorce stats or be told what they already know. I had recommended the reading to several clients who were reluctant and skeptical about counseling. They shared similar reasons about why therapy was not working, “too late, too little, too expensive.” “He’s not trying. She doesn’t care.” 
Maybe the truth is, “I don’t care anymore or I don’t know how to do my part in preserving a relationship.” As cliché as it sounds, the only person we can control is ourselves. We can make efforts in relationships and do the work to be a better life partner even if our spouse is not on board. Many clients attend therapy without their partners.

Texans have a lot to figure out, mourn, and repair. They have a lot to feel disappointed with and angry about. As with relationships, life and weather is unpredictable: it will present us with unanticipated hardship. Wedding vows used for centuries emphasize commitment in times of sickness and health, good and bad times. There are no guarantees, only a guarantee of good and hard times. Disaster, illness, and death will occur. We can expect unanticipated change. For all the wonderful moments, shared memories and celebrations, we can expect suffering. Suffering is our human dilemma.
I’m preaching to the choir for a reason. My question and weariness as a marriage therapist is that couples don’t invest in maintaining their relationships as a norm. The data and research on divorce is available. We spend extravagant amounts of time and money on weddings, vacations, homes and cars. We invest in hobbies, exercise, or social media. Why is there an investment to get married in a single day that disappears when it comes to staying married?
Why do couples avoid the therapy room?
I have listed commonly reported deterrents to therapy above. You may or may not know why. My experience tells me that avoidance comes down to an inherent, unrealistic belief that marriage should be easy. Life should be fair and easy. In our society, when the going gets tough, the tough seem to get going. Literally. The desire for easy street includes thoughts that “I should feel in love and be treated the way I want to be treated. I deserve the love I want. A good marriage is not hard.” While these are not terrible thoughts, they are simply not based in reality. What is hard about relationships is the fact that it involves two people and each person rightfully has independent needs, emotions and thoughts. 
There is no match made in heaven; it is made in choices and action.
Good marriages are the result of two people understanding that relationships require work and each partner
 being willing to continue to invest in the relationship without resentment.
The divorce rate is lower for arranged marriages hypothetically because these couples understand that they are choosing a partner for life, and perhaps not seeking a romance that will last forever. Romance is temporary. Most of us marry with the intention of a lifetime commitment. Otherwise, why bother with marriage? 

Maybe we can learn from the 2021 Texas winter disaster. Instead of ignoring warning signs or investing in other more interesting ventures, perhaps we can heed warnings or become willing to address relational problems as they occur. Instead of blaming another, investing outside the marriage, band aiding problems until the pipes burst, we can choose actions that support the relationship we desire. There is a shared ongoing investment in marriages built to last. We maintain our cars and homes, jump hoops for our children, but struggle with efforts in marriages. We aren’t angry at our children for not understanding math, we get them support. Somehow, with our partners, we tend to expect them to know what to do, how to communicate, be better without seeking help. It is sadly ironic, with loneliness at an epidemic level (whether one is in a relationship or not), that we don’t invest in our relationships.

How do you do this? First, I would recommend asking yourself why you haven’t sought support in your marriage. No partner blaming is allowed because many individuals attend therapy on their own. Second, I would ask if you have realistic expectations about life and marriage. Last, for the sake of time, know if you want to be in a relationship you are in. When the resentment bag is just too full and a therapist can only serve as a short-term referee, it might be wise to consider your objective in attending marital therapy.
The bottom line is that many couples wait too long to maintain their relationships and prepare for hardship. Ships are built not to sink but have survival equipment on board so the passengers don’t drown if catastrophe hits. The ships are maintained and safety checks are ongoing. These safety regulations went into place after an international catastrophe, the sinking of the Titanic. Why not consider preparing your marriage with the same mindset? Do you have safety nets, the right equipment and invest time and money in maintenance of the marriage? 

Marriages that are built to last are not a mystery; they include two people mutually invested in 
maintaining a relationship and preparing for both good and hard times.

It really is that simple. Want a good marriage? Do the work.




By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT March 21, 2021
Anxiety is often the underlying cause of physical symptoms mistaken for other health conditions. We frequently believe we have a serious medical condition long before we recognize we have anxiety, or even consider an anxiety disorder. It is not uncommon for clients, specifically adults, to deny having anxiety but readily admit to worrying constantly. A recent study from the National Institute of Mental Health revealed that nearly 70% of Americans suffer from at least one type of anxiety disorder. This report should be of no surprise: we live in a culture where chronic stress is an accepted part of daily life. At early ages, we are indoctrinated with suggestive messages that busy is healthy, we must perform faster, accomplish more, and demonstrate success by perfection-based ideology. Having been conditioned to believe that more is better, we frequently add too many things to our plates. We have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no. Many believe they thrive when busy and even express a sense of pride when discussing a relentless schedule. The inevitable outcome of a life packed full with every minute accounted for, is overwhelm, burnout, and chronic anxiety. In my experience, clients easily express a desire to feel less overwhelmed and have more leisure time. However, when asked to let go of unnecessary commitments, there is resistance. Inevitably, after living with chronic stress for long periods of time, the norm may be feeling anxious. A change that creates open time and space, can create a " time void " that is uncomfortable. In fact, letting go of anxiety or stressors can actually be anxiety- provoking. To combat chronic anxiety, clients must commit to reducing stress, as opposed to “managing stress”. Stress in life is unavoidable and it is true that some individuals have less stressful lives due to advantageous personal circumstances. Regardless, of our circumstances, it remains common to accept unmanageable workloads, entertain stressful relationships and continue adding activities to full schedules. For change to occur, we must let go of habits that leave us mentally and physically depleted. You can choose to fill the "time void" with self-care which may include rest. Americans have learned to accept chronic anxiety as a way of life, even knowing of the negative implications on our health and relationships. Health experts have concluded that chronic stress reduces our life span by an average of 6 years. The goal in my office is stress reduction. If your life feels overwhelming and unmanageable, you must make choices to change it. Trying to manage the unmanageable is a losing battle. Pay attention to how often you hear or use the term stress management. Identify activities you don't need to do such as attending a social function where you know few people or cleaning an already tidy house. Learn to put your health first by prioritizing time for rest and recharging. The elimination of unnecessary stressors and reduction of chronic anxiety will increase your lifespan and improve the quality of your life. The number of stressors you have is generally a choice. How you respond to stressful events is also a choice. Learn how to eliminate stress and reduce anxiety. You can respond to life in ways that create opportunities for living the life you want.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT March 20, 2021
Benefits of Journaling Journaling has regained popularity in recent years in mental health. It has once again become a tool for a variety of mental health conditions including anxiety, depression and reducing stress. Whether you are in therapy or on a path of self-discovery, writing your thoughts and experience is is valuable. Research has proven that strategic, committed journaling can actually change the way one thinks, feels and behaves. Studies reveal that individuals who commit to 30 days of writing daily in a gratitude journal, report significant improvement in their positive outlook on life. An additional benefit is that success in journaling is not impacted by financial circumstances, education, age, or writing skills. Journaling only requires a desire and commitment to the process. While there are technically no wrong or right ways to journal, there are strategies to help get you motivated to begin. Ask yourself about the value you see in journaling and if you can to commit to the process. Discuss lack of motivation or resistance with your therapist or someone who successfully journals. Try following general guidelines to help get you started or research journaling prompts. Tips for Journaling: Buy or find a journal you’d like to use. Keep it in a secure but accessible place. Commit to writing every day for 30 days. Keep going if you enjoy it! Set a consistent time aside each day for journaling. It doesn’t need to take 1 hour; start with a 5-minute commitment. Once you begin writing, keep your momentum going. Write anything that comes to mind… Write honestly. While journaling is a creative form of writing, in order to gain self-awareness, it is not intended to be fictional. Accept that journaling is not about using correct grammar or perfect writing skills. Allow yourself to be spontaneous. Be confident that no one is going to read your journal. (If you believe there are boundary issues in your home, learn how to set boundaries. Keep your journal at work or in a locker at school if you must.) If you feel blocked in writing, use prompts from journaling books or websites. Try gratitude journaling, or focus on journaling about something of interest to you. (i.e. parenting, relationships, childhood memories). Do not critique or judge your own writing. The key is honesty and spontaneity. Make sure you are not censoring your writing. Ask yourself if you are writing what you think should do or feel or if it is what you really feel, what really happened or what you wish happened? Look forward to the self-discovery in your writing. Even facing hard truths leads to a more peaceful way of living. Do not be stingy with yourself about journals if possible. Buy a cover you enjoy and replace journals frequently. When you are ready to start a new journal, do it. Some people ceremoniously burn or destroy journals when complete. Develop your own traditions with journaling. Have fun with it and enjoy the process. Just get started. The longer you journal, the sooner you will develop a routine and style that works for you. Allow yourself to discover your truth through journaling. It is an excellent tool in the process of self-awareness and change. Self-awareness can help you understand your emotions and behaviors and can create opportunities for change. Journaling is easy, inexpensive, and well worth the effort. Today is a great day to begin journaling.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT March 19, 2021
Relationships suffer with unresolved conflict. Even strong relationships become vulnerable when problems occur and no resolution is in sight. Unresolved conflict that becomes circular, hostile and resentful can chip away at the foundation of any relationship. Learning the art of apologizing and forgiveness is critical in relationships. We all have days when we are not our best self and we make mistakes or poor choices. "To error is to be human". When our words, decisions, or mistakes hurt others, intentionally or not, we must learn to apologize. Resolving conflict with grace brings us closer together: unresolved conflict can break down any relationship. Apologizing can be difficult; it is natural to feel justified in action or not want to accept responsibility for mistakes. Barriers to apologizing include disagreement about the problem, or the fear of admitting we are wrong. Feeling vulnerable when we apologize is common. It is most important to understand that we can increase intimacy and strengthen our relationships by learning to apologize. Apologizing can be this simple: 1) State with sincerity that you are sorry 2) Identify what you can do better 3) State your intention to respond differently in the future. 4) Be willing to listen to feedback without defending your actions. 5) Accept that forgiveness may take a little time. Forgiveness is Underrated While apologizing can be hard, forgiving others when we feel wronged can be even more difficult. Once you have received a sincere apology, it is a choice how to proceed. Forgive the offense or harbor resentment? Choose to trust the sincerity or make exit plans? Holding onto resentments or past events will eventually lead to the unraveling of relationships. Practice forgiving even when it is difficult. Forgiving can leave us feeling vulnerable: we are fearful that we may be hurt again. Learn the skills to apologize and the skills to forgive. Forgiveness of others is a true statement of love. In forgiveness we are saying, I love and value you even though we are both imperfect. When we forgive others, we are able to free ourselves of anger and negativity that hurts us. We are also able to reopen the door to communication and intimacy in our important relationships. “Forgiveness is the truest form of love. It takes a strong person to apologize and even a stronger person to forgive." Today is a great day to learn how to apologize and how to forgive.
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