The 2021 winter storm in Texas that wreaked havoc on millions with irreparable damage, broken homes and lives, and occurred amidst a pandemic reminds me of the predictable crises in marriages related to neglecting to invest in our relationships. Marriages unravel with warning signs, data and recommendations to invest, repair, or prepare. Unfortunately, relationships are often broken beyond repair before there is acknowledgement of a problem. As with most national disasters, there is finger-pointing at who is responsible, who is to blame, why did this happen? We must ask why there was no backup plan, preventive measures, or proper insulation.
Perhaps it is human nature to stay committed to effortless daily routines, placate problems or place energy in more instantly gratifying activities: the result, we continue to fail to protect the relationships we value most.
Long term relationships fail without effort and maintenance.
Even with warning signs, deteriorating outdated systems, and suggested recommendations, people tend to prefer to do the minimum, procrastinate, ignore indicators that a marriage is failing or requires maintenance.
Americans invest in the pursuit of love and happiness almost as if it relates to how one measures success in life. Lavish weddings, expensive courtships, and careful selection goes into choosing a partner. Yet, once in a long-term relationship, the effort and investment too often dissipate. More remarkable is that as relational challenges emerge, there is often an unapologetic refusal of couples to re-invest time, effort or money to maintain a healthy relationship. This opposition can end catastrophically when the pipes literally burst or the roof caves in.
What is the reasoning? Aside from neglect, there is always plenty of blame to go around. It was ‘the move, stress of parenting, the in-laws, money troubles, or lack of commonality’. “She was not intimate, he has anger issues, or addictions to social media” are among reasons given. By the time a severe storm hits, the bag of resentments is already full. Intimacy, respect, and mutual positive regard has already been out the door for a while.
Back to Texas. There were recommendations. There was time to prepare and invest. Like many marriages, there wasn’t was a willingness to invest time, money and effort in what was foreseen as a predictable disaster.
Divorce is frequently the result of denial of warning signs and unwillingness to commit time, effort, and money
in protecting our most valuable relationship.
Last year I wrote a blog on Barriers to Success in Marriage Counseling. I believe the article was perceived as negative. No one wants to hear divorce stats or be told what they already know. I had recommended the reading to several clients who were reluctant and skeptical about counseling. They shared similar reasons about why therapy was not working, “too late, too little, too expensive.” “He’s not trying. She doesn’t care.”
Maybe the truth is, “I don’t care anymore or I don’t know how to do my part in preserving a relationship.” As cliché as it sounds, the only person we can control is ourselves. We can make efforts in relationships and do the work to be a better life partner even if our spouse is not on board. Many clients attend therapy without their partners.
Texans have a lot to figure out, mourn, and repair. They have a lot to feel disappointed with and angry about. As with relationships, life and weather is unpredictable: it will present us with unanticipated hardship. Wedding vows used for centuries emphasize commitment in times of sickness and health, good and bad times. There are no guarantees, only a guarantee of good and hard times. Disaster, illness, and death will occur. We can expect unanticipated change. For all the wonderful moments, shared memories and celebrations, we can expect suffering. Suffering is our human dilemma.
I’m preaching to the choir for a reason. My question and weariness as a marriage therapist is that couples don’t invest in maintaining their relationships as a norm. The data and research on divorce is available. We spend extravagant amounts of time and money on weddings, vacations, homes and cars. We invest in hobbies, exercise, or social media. Why is there an investment to get married in a single day that disappears when it comes to staying married?
Why do couples avoid the therapy room?
I have listed commonly reported deterrents to therapy above. You may or may not know why. My experience tells me that avoidance comes down to an inherent, unrealistic belief that marriage should be easy. Life should be fair and easy. In our society, when the going gets tough, the tough seem to get going. Literally. The desire for easy street includes thoughts that “I should feel in love and be treated the way I want to be treated. I deserve the love I want. A good marriage is not hard.” While these are not terrible thoughts, they are simply not based in reality. What is hard about relationships is the fact that it involves two people and each person rightfully has independent needs, emotions and thoughts.
There is no match made in heaven; it is made in choices and action.
Good marriages are the result of two people understanding that relationships require work and each partner
being willing to continue to invest in the relationship without resentment.
The divorce rate is lower for arranged marriages hypothetically because these couples understand that they are choosing a partner for life, and perhaps not seeking a romance that will last forever. Romance is temporary. Most of us marry with the intention of a lifetime commitment. Otherwise, why bother with marriage?
Maybe we can learn from the 2021 Texas winter disaster. Instead of ignoring warning signs or investing in other more interesting ventures, perhaps we can heed warnings or become willing to address relational problems as they occur. Instead of blaming another, investing outside the marriage, band aiding problems until the pipes burst, we can choose actions that support the relationship we desire. There is a shared ongoing investment in marriages built to last. We maintain our cars and homes, jump hoops for our children, but struggle with efforts in marriages. We aren’t angry at our children for not understanding math, we get them support. Somehow, with our partners, we tend to expect them to know what to do, how to communicate, be better without seeking help. It is sadly ironic, with loneliness at an epidemic level (whether one is in a relationship or not), that we don’t invest in our relationships.
How do you do this? First, I would recommend asking yourself why you haven’t sought support in your marriage. No partner blaming is allowed because many individuals attend therapy on their own. Second, I would ask if you have realistic expectations about life and marriage. Last, for the sake of time, know if you want to be in a relationship you are in. When the resentment bag is just too full and a therapist can only serve as a short-term referee, it might be wise to consider your objective in attending marital therapy.
The bottom line is that many couples wait too long to maintain their relationships and prepare for hardship. Ships are built not to sink but have survival equipment on board so the passengers don’t drown if catastrophe hits. The ships are maintained and safety checks are ongoing. These safety regulations went into place after an international catastrophe, the sinking of the Titanic. Why not consider preparing your marriage with the same mindset? Do you have safety nets, the right equipment and invest time and money in maintenance of the marriage?
Marriages that are built to last are not a mystery; they include two people mutually invested in
maintaining a relationship and preparing for both good and hard times.
It really is that simple. Want a good marriage? Do the work.