Couples frequently begin therapy questioning if their relationship is going to last. Even with
years of history, they find themselves over time feeling disconnected and detached. Reasons shared about
this disconnect include “work schedules, children/family, separate hobbies or friends, or even traumatic
events”. Efforts at communication and intimacy cease to be a priority.
The film “A Marriage Story”, was exceptional in demonstrating how a couple can be deeply in love, sharing passion and interests, and still disengage from the relationship. Even with their mutual love and commonality, resentments began to erode their intimacy. This struggle and downward spiral may feel familiar to many couples, leaving the question, ‘Are we going to make it?
Not feeling loved, appreciated or respected is one of the most common concerns couples share in therapy. Interestingly, both partners state they feel the same. When asked about the accuracy of such feelings, the responses usually reflect love and appreciation of the other. ” I love and appreciate all that my wife does. Or, my husband is amazing! A hard worker and a great dad”. What does this mean? Generally, it does not reflect the absence of love, admiration or respect: it reflects the absence of words and actions, (love languages) that express commitment, love and respect.
Couples can become unwilling to be vulnerable in words or action, unable to express interest in their partners day or opinions, and can even be wary of sharing about their own internal world. While many couples still respect and appreciate the other, they end up in a “silent standoff”, not knowing how to proceed.
The long-term result of broken communication, making efforts, or avoidance is a deterioration of the relationship.
So, what happens next in a somewhat predictable relational crisis? It would be amazing if there was a What to expect in relationships
guide similar to those produced for raising children. We would all own that book if it existed, or life/relationships had more predictability. In reality, individuals and couples are far too complex.
Still, relational guidance in uncharted territory can reduce fear and instill hope in struggling relationships.
Conversations about lack of intimacy or feeling unimportant are hard. Therapists can support tough
conversations and assist couples in restoring communication and intimacy. While it is unlikely that couples will return to the butterflies of a new romance, it is possible to regain intimacy. Intimacy with history is what real love is. Real love is about commitment, shared life experiences, wonderful and harsh memories, with successes and failures. Lasting intimacy occurs with a partner who knows you better than anyone, accepts you as an imperfect individual and is willing to commit to change as it becomes necessary.
Whatever your faith, the passage from the book of Corinthians stands the test of time:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor
others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
In love, we are forgiving, accepting, and open to change. If you are seeking relational change, make efforts with
your partner today. Talk about your communication or hopes for connection. Action is a statement of love and commitment. Therapy, and relational work is always about progress, not perfection.
Every day, and every moment is an opportunity for a new beginning.