Barriers to Success in Marriage Counseling

Margaret Denise Brauns | LMFT

How to Overcome Potential Obstacles

Marriage therapists can support couples with relational challenges such as communication and intimacy. In general, success in therapy is largely dependent on the relationship with the therapist and a commitment to "do the work". However, there are several obstacles to successful outcomes for couples that should be considered prior to an investment of time and money. Marital counseling is different than individual therapy for the obvious reason that two people must desire change. Resistance, feelings of hopelessness, or resentment about attending therapy can be a set up for failure unless both parties are equally committed. On the bright side, obstacles can be viewed as an opportunity to demonstrate one's capacity for change. When beginning couples counseling, it will be important to address these barriers at the onset of therapy. If you or your partner have concern or hesitation about marital counseling, you can utilize free phone consultations offered by most therapists to discuss your concerns prior to beginning treatment.

Below are some potential obstacles that couples might consider before entering treatment.

1. Waiting too long to attend couples counseling

The majority of couples who have poor outcomes in counseling have waited too long to receive help. By the time a decision is made to try counseling, often, one or both parties are already at the end of their ropes and have possibly made a decision to exit the relationship.Committing to couples counseling earlier in your relationship, rather than later, is always a good choice. Unless both parties want to continue in the relationship and agree that a healthier relationship together is the goal, the therapy will not be successful.

Suggestion: Be honest with your partner about your intentions regarding therapy before you begin. Share your feelings of hopelessness with your partner and therapist. Successful outcomes in marriage counseling depend on both partners entering with the intention of making improvements to the marriage. It is never too late to create positive changes and repair struggling relationships. Each day, month or year, you put off attending therapy, is another day lost in re-establishing a positive connection with your partner. Challenges in relationships are best addressed in the beginning, before additional wounds or resentments occur. Wherever you begin efforts for change, the probability of success in couples counseling is greater when both parties are fully committed.

2. Unwillingness to Compromise

What frequently brings couples into therapy is communication barriers, lack of intimacy, disagreements about parenting, or financial concerns. Couples report being in a standoff, and having circular arguments resulting in no solutions. After years or months of repetitive arguments, couples may begin to withdraw and become unwilling to compromise with their partners. Reluctance to compromise or the need to “win” presents a barrier that must be overcome before progress can occur. Living alone can be easy because it is always on your own terms: being in any relationship requires compromise.

Suggestion: If compromise is a challenge, you must become aware of its interference in healthy relationships. Learn to ask and listen to what your partner needs and feels. Practice enjoying the observation of your partner feeling heard and understood. Ask yourself, “do I need to be right or do I want to be happy?” Consider a new definition of winning: “I am winning when my relationships are thriving and when my partner and I both feel satisfied and happy in the success of our relationship.” The art of compromise can be learned if there is genuine interest in maintaining the relationship. If compromise creates a roadblock, or winning is a primary objective for you, individual therapy might be helpful before beginning work as a couple.

3. Lack of Trust in your Therapist or a Lack of Belief in Counseling

When selecting a therapist, a primary focus must be mutual positive regard and trust with the therapist. For couples, this sense of trust and safety must be experienced by both partners. If only one person participated in the selection process of a counselor, it may feel difficult to be invested. Consequently, if one person feels distrustful, the sessions can be sabotaged unknowingly before the therapist can even establish the areas of concern.

When therapy is not valued in general, and not part of the belief system for either partner, it is important to discuss and research your resistance to therapy. Marital therapy is less impactful when one or both parties is skeptical about mental health.

Suggestion: Take your time selecting a therapist you both choose and feel safe with. Discuss your feelings with your therapist in sessions if you do not feel supported. Marriage therapy is an excellent time to practice communication that is uncomfortable. A skilled therapist will utilize your openness as an opportunity for relational growth.

If skepticism about mental health is an obstacle, read about the benefits of mental health or make inquiries to trusted persons in your life about their experiences. It is also beneficial to discuss your concerns about treatment with therapists in consultations prior to therapy.

4. Commitment to Continuation of the Relationship by both partners

As mentioned above, both parties in a struggling relationship must be willing and ready to work on the marriage. If one partner has a foot out the door or is already considering another relationship, the therapy will not be successful. The level of commitment to continuation of a relationship can only be known by the two individuals in the relationship. If staying in the marriage is not the goal, marriage therapy may not be the right choice. This is a hard discussion, but it is imperative to setting realistic goals.

Suggestion: Commitment to continuation of a relationship is best discussed before entering counseling. It can be painful to be honest with yourself and your partner about your intentions regarding the relationship when you are not invested in remaining married. Individual therapy can assist in seeking clarity about your hesitation or finding the words to exit a relationship gracefully. Feelings of resistance due to significant resentments could be the obstacle or you may be looking for support in finding courage to make tough decisions about parting ways.

5. Believing Therapy is a Waste of Time or Money

Therapy is a commitment of time and money. Most of us would prefer to spend money on tangible or fun items. While finances are a concern for most couples, we generally find time and money for the things we value most. Unwillingness to budget for and research affordable marriage counseling options, may be an indicator that that the relationship is not prioritized.

Suggestion: Do the math with your partner prior to seeking therapy. A pro/con list with a pen and paper can help move you and your partner through financial resentments or concerns about the cost of therapy. The cost of a divorce, living in two homes and losing the benefits that come with being in a relationship are significant. For those who prefer to fix things themselves and resent paying for any service, research the cost of divorce. If divorce is on the horizon, research collaborative mediators. Not every marriage is meant to last; making educated, thoughtful choices when parting ways respectfully is in the best interest of everyone.

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Chronic Stress and Anxiety

By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT • March 21, 2021

Anxiety is often the underlying cause of physical symptoms mistaken for other health conditions. We frequently believe we have a serious medical condition long before we recognize we have anxiety, or even consider an anxiety disorder. It is not uncommon for clients, specifically adults, to deny having anxiety but readily admit to worrying constantly. A recent study from the National Institute of Mental Health revealed that nearly 70% of Americans suffer from at least one type of anxiety disorder. This report should be of no surprise: we live in a culture where chronic stress is an accepted part of daily life. At early ages, we are indoctrinated with suggestive messages that busy is healthy, we must perform faster, accomplish more, and demonstrate success by perfection-based ideology. Having been conditioned to believe that more is better, we frequently add too many things to our plates. We have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no. Many believe they thrive when busy and even express a sense of pride when discussing a relentless schedule. The inevitable outcome of a life packed full with every minute accounted for, is overwhelm, burnout, and chronic anxiety. In my experience, clients easily express a desire to feel less overwhelmed and have more leisure time. However, when asked to let go of unnecessary commitments, there is resistance. Inevitably, after living with chronic stress for long periods of time, the norm may be feeling anxious. A change that creates open time and space, can create a " time void " that is uncomfortable. In fact, letting go of anxiety or stressors can actually be anxiety- provoking. To combat chronic anxiety, clients must commit to reducing stress, as opposed to “managing stress”. Stress in life is unavoidable and it is true that some individuals have less stressful lives due to advantageous personal circumstances. Regardless, of our circumstances, it remains common to accept unmanageable workloads, entertain stressful relationships and continue adding activities to full schedules. For change to occur, we must let go of habits that leave us mentally and physically depleted. You can choose to fill the "time void" with self-care which may include rest. Americans have learned to accept chronic anxiety as a way of life, even knowing of the negative implications on our health and relationships. Health experts have concluded that chronic stress reduces our life span by an average of 6 years. The goal in my office is stress reduction. If your life feels overwhelming and unmanageable, you must make choices to change it. Trying to manage the unmanageable is a losing battle. Pay attention to how often you hear or use the term stress management. Identify activities you don't need to do such as attending a social function where you know few people or cleaning an already tidy house. Learn to put your health first by prioritizing time for rest and recharging. The elimination of unnecessary stressors and reduction of chronic anxiety will increase your lifespan and improve the quality of your life. The number of stressors you have is generally a choice. How you respond to stressful events is also a choice. Learn how to eliminate stress and reduce anxiety. You can respond to life in ways that create opportunities for living the life you want.

Benefits of Journaling

By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT • March 20, 2021

Benefits of Journaling Journaling has regained popularity in recent years in mental health. It has once again become a tool for a variety of mental health conditions including anxiety, depression and reducing stress. Whether you are in therapy or on a path of self-discovery, writing your thoughts and experience is is valuable. Research has proven that strategic, committed journaling can actually change the way one thinks, feels and behaves. Studies reveal that individuals who commit to 30 days of writing daily in a gratitude journal, report significant improvement in their positive outlook on life. An additional benefit is that success in journaling is not impacted by financial circumstances, education, age, or writing skills. Journaling only requires a desire and commitment to the process. While there are technically no wrong or right ways to journal, there are strategies to help get you motivated to begin. Ask yourself about the value you see in journaling and if you can to commit to the process. Discuss lack of motivation or resistance with your therapist or someone who successfully journals. Try following general guidelines to help get you started or research journaling prompts. Tips for Journaling: Buy or find a journal you’d like to use. Keep it in a secure but accessible place. Commit to writing every day for 30 days. Keep going if you enjoy it! Set a consistent time aside each day for journaling. It doesn’t need to take 1 hour; start with a 5-minute commitment. Once you begin writing, keep your momentum going. Write anything that comes to mind… Write honestly. While journaling is a creative form of writing, in order to gain self-awareness, it is not intended to be fictional. Accept that journaling is not about using correct grammar or perfect writing skills. Allow yourself to be spontaneous. Be confident that no one is going to read your journal. (If you believe there are boundary issues in your home, learn how to set boundaries. Keep your journal at work or in a locker at school if you must.) If you feel blocked in writing, use prompts from journaling books or websites. Try gratitude journaling, or focus on journaling about something of interest to you. (i.e. parenting, relationships, childhood memories). Do not critique or judge your own writing. The key is honesty and spontaneity. Make sure you are not censoring your writing. Ask yourself if you are writing what you think should do or feel or if it is what you really feel, what really happened or what you wish happened? Look forward to the self-discovery in your writing. Even facing hard truths leads to a more peaceful way of living. Do not be stingy with yourself about journals if possible. Buy a cover you enjoy and replace journals frequently. When you are ready to start a new journal, do it. Some people ceremoniously burn or destroy journals when complete. Develop your own traditions with journaling. Have fun with it and enjoy the process. Just get started. The longer you journal, the sooner you will develop a routine and style that works for you. Allow yourself to discover your truth through journaling. It is an excellent tool in the process of self-awareness and change. Self-awareness can help you understand your emotions and behaviors and can create opportunities for change. Journaling is easy, inexpensive, and well worth the effort. Today is a great day to begin journaling.

Forgiveness

By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT • March 19, 2021

Relationships suffer with unresolved conflict. Even strong relationships become vulnerable when problems occur and no resolution is in sight. Unresolved conflict that becomes circular, hostile and resentful can chip away at the foundation of any relationship. Learning the art of apologizing and forgiveness is critical in relationships. We all have days when we are not our best self and we make mistakes or poor choices. "To error is to be human". When our words, decisions, or mistakes hurt others, intentionally or not, we must learn to apologize. Resolving conflict with grace brings us closer together: unresolved conflict can break down any relationship. Apologizing can be difficult; it is natural to feel justified in action or not want to accept responsibility for mistakes. Barriers to apologizing include disagreement about the problem, or the fear of admitting we are wrong. Feeling vulnerable when we apologize is common. It is most important to understand that we can increase intimacy and strengthen our relationships by learning to apologize. Apologizing can be this simple: 1) State with sincerity that you are sorry 2) Identify what you can do better 3) State your intention to respond differently in the future. 4) Be willing to listen to feedback without defending your actions. 5) Accept that forgiveness may take a little time. Forgiveness is Underrated While apologizing can be hard, forgiving others when we feel wronged can be even more difficult. Once you have received a sincere apology, it is a choice how to proceed. Forgive the offense or harbor resentment? Choose to trust the sincerity or make exit plans? Holding onto resentments or past events will eventually lead to the unraveling of relationships. Practice forgiving even when it is difficult. Forgiving can leave us feeling vulnerable: we are fearful that we may be hurt again. Learn the skills to apologize and the skills to forgive. Forgiveness of others is a true statement of love. In forgiveness we are saying, I love and value you even though we are both imperfect. When we forgive others, we are able to free ourselves of anger and negativity that hurts us. We are also able to reopen the door to communication and intimacy in our important relationships. “Forgiveness is the truest form of love. It takes a strong person to apologize and even a stronger person to forgive." Today is a great day to learn how to apologize and how to forgive.